I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Randomize
