So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I'm getting married
To pizza
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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