We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
