If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
