I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
