the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Randomize
