I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
