Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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