don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Randomize
