some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Randomize
