Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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