Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Randomize
