Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
