last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
