sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
