Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
