i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
