Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
my phone needs a breathalizer
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
Randomize
