After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
