Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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