What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
