He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
