is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Randomize
