Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Randomize
