I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
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