the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
