Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
