I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
