fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
