So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
jump out the window naked night went bad
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
