What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
