she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
