I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Randomize
