Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
