the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
