I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
