Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
