Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
