Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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