meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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