Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
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