im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Randomize
