i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
