Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
