This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
