Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
