My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
