is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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