watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
And then my night got REAL pukey
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Randomize
