God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
